About Being on the Wrong Side of the Street…

[as far as buses go] I’m always on the wrong side of the street. Some days it makes me clench my jaw, tight, tight, as I powerlessly watch the bus take off without me. Other days I don’t care about waiting so much because I’m in no hurry to get home. Like today. I didn’t care I had to watch that bus go by, as I stood a crosswalk away. I knew I’d probably come home to ‘A’ acting ‘weird’ (read: indifferent?) towards me again. I keep telling myself it’s normal he should be acting like this at this time because I know how much is going on with him, but why I do feel like things between us seriously changed so much? I’m not saying the ‘chemistry’ is gone. I know how much he loves me and I him, but let’s just say things have seem to have gone awry (temporarily, God willing). That, or I’m blowing things out of proportion making my (disgusting) insecurity show. ‘A’ needs to show me he loves me; I need reassurance constantly. I think that must be a sign that he hasn’t completely won my 100% trust (because he changes his mind, plans so quickly?). 

I have hope for us, and it doesn’t feel like an empty hope. No one but me can see how or why, and I don’t understand either. Everyone with advice comes off as if they know more about ‘A’ and me than I do, but what do they actually know about any of it? Not that much at all, a mere iota of the puzzle. We’ve been through so much in the past 8 (!!) months together. 

Given the circumstances a lot of stuff weighs heavily, outcomes only determined over time. And though our relationship has had bumps, the fun we have together still outweigh even the worst argument. It’s comforting when I realize how many laughs we’ve had when we don’t even have anything (save for the internet) to distract ourselves from completely enjoying being with each other.

I pray to God we can continue to be honest, devoted and in love with each other.


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